Stuff Vegetarians are SICK of hearing!
I was spending time on the world’s favorite outrage app, and (as one often does) came across a neanderthal responding to someone’s tweet on vegetarianism.
As is in vogue among large sections of society, the response was on the lines of “meat, beef, Hindu, Muslim, bromf, blurgh, growp, blebb…”.
My obvious reaction was to tell the responder to go fuck himself, cuz well ALL animals feel the pain and misery of mass farming and slaughter. Hence, we should treat the chicken and the goat with as much respect as we do the holy cow.
That’s just common sense though.
We don’t have enough.
However, this is not a lesson in morality and I’m not standing on a soap box, dispensing platitudes in favor of a more humane lifestyle.
I know you don’t give a fuck about that.
I am here to present my special singer-finger-salute to people spouting inane bullshit to vegetarians through multiple scenarios in life.
Some of us are sick of your statements, indicative of intellect that only is justified in the scenario of your parents being blood relatives.
“How do you SURVIVE by eating ghaas-phoos?”
Well, the same way that you’re surviving without a prefrontal cortex. (Wikipedia link for those who didn’t get the joke).
For any non-Hindi speakers Ghaas = Grass (of the non-smoking variety) & Phoos = Straw (or so I believe).
I am sitting right in front of you, you imbecile. I have been ingesting edible parts of plants all my life to have gotten this big. I picked more weight in the gym today, than you did in the entire last month combined.
And unless you think that I am a figment of your imagination, that question makes me wonder about the developmental benefits of a meat based diet.
Just in case you think I am a figment of your imagination, can I get a hit of the shit you’re smoking?
“I can’t live without eating non-veg.”
Stuff you NEED to live:
- Air which has a near optimal level of oxygen
- Potable water
- Calories from food, REGARDLESS of the source
- Functional vital organs including a friggin brain.
You CAN live without “non-veg”. And by-the-by, please grow the fuck up and call it meat. What’s with the whole “he-who-can’t-be-named” bullshit?
I digress. Yeah, you CAN live without eating animals. Look around you, there are a million vegetarians walking around, and functioning well without eating them.
Maybe you meant that the condition is specific to YOU.
In that case you should head to the nearest medical facility immediately, as you have a disorder. Although I doubt that it’ll be anything physical.
Yeah, and I am not driving you there. Need to derive my nutrition from this delicious Paneer Tikka sandwich.
“Dude *shaking head while chewing* you’re missing out on SOMETHING…”
For guys who’re straight: How’d you feel if a gay dude asks you to take a cock up your butt, and gives you a “Dude *shaking head while thrusting* you’re missing out on SOMETHING…”, when you’re not interested?
For women who’re straight: How’d you feel if a gay babe offers you an inspection (of the non-medical kind) and gives you a “Babe *disappearing under direct line of vision* muff muff muff MUFFMM…”, when you’re not interested?
For people who’re gay: Please imagine equivalent scenarios.
Yeah, so honestly man, IDGAF.
And why you acting like a drug peddler?
I KNOW I don’t want to do LSD. Maybe it works wonders for you being able to see the fourth dimension and rainbow farting ponies. I’d still like to get my fix of fantasy from the next season of GoT instead.
What’s with the peer pressure?
My last peer-pressure related mistake was to go see the Taj Mahal. What a colossal waste of time and money!
Repeat after me:
“Just have the gravy”
What? Your chicken breast came wrapped in a condom?
Actually I’ve been a victim of this so many times, that I am nearly embarrassed about it. JUST to not come across as a non-adjusting type asshole, I have dipped my naan in your meat gravy FAR too many times.
This far and no further.
I am NOT going to have your blood gravy or your hidden-chunks-of-meat biryani.
Go ahead, think of me as you will. At least then I won’t have to be friends with judgemental assholes.
“So why don’t you eat meat?”
This usually comes from the smart-aleck-y sort, trying to score the biggest move in the circle-jerk of social settings.
I’d like to revert with, “Why don’t you suck rope for a living?”
But then a lot of social situations will turn to altercations.
But assuming that I did ask that question and assuming that you had your wits about you, my assumptions of a revert are:
- Gee, I was born and brought up being told that a career in blowjobs is immoral / bad / evil.
- I tasted penis. Not for me.
- I don’t like the idea of getting super gonorrhea.
The answers of vegetarians are on similar lines, with an addition of, “I can’t see an animal go through unimaginable physical agony for my taste buds”.
We’ve either been brought up in a vegetarian household and are not comfortable with eating meat, or we tried eating meat, but it’s not for us, and some of us know how meat is reared and would like to stay the fuck away from that stuff.
Problem is, you KNOW these answers already. But then you decided that it was about time that you were an asshole to someone.
Honestly? The “logical” brownie points you think you’re scoring have been laced with the contempt of someone who just wanted to do some good. These brownie points are not gonna help you anywhere but in your ascent of the ladder of assholery.
You might be in the mood to check out my piece on Gym Douchebags too!